E-mail: Lucey
Disclaimer: I *so* donŽt own them. Joss, UPN, WB....
Timeline: During BtVS 6.03 "After Life"
Rating: PG-13 I guess
Pairing: B/A (yeah)
Distribution: take it, but please tell me about it
Synopsis: The episode made me cry, itŽs so sad. But what really happened when Buffy was in Heaven?
Dedication: To Netti, the 10 days with you were *so* great, I miss you *sniff*, this is for you, thanks for the beta, I didnŽt want to make you cry .... to all B/A-shippers, because they deserve it after what the shows became :o)
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Home.
She tells me I'm home but I don't feel anything. I look at the house in which I spent four years of my life and it's no home to me.
We go inside. A few things have changed, most things havenŽt. I wander around and try to remember, try to feel. Nothing.
She's so cute, cleaning me up, dressing me. She's so happy. But I'm not. I'm cold. Everything feels unreal to me. Like I never lived it before. Like I'm completely different.
I am. She looks at my bruised hands and I try to hide them. It's too late. In a rush I remember what it felt like. Waking up in a coffin, clawing my way out of my own grave. Why didn't I stay there, to return to where I came from?
A knock on the door. Please, no more people. I want silence. I don't know what to say to them. I can't even look at them. Please, leave me alone. Too late. Slowly I walk downstairs. He stares at me like I'm not real. I don't feel real. I don't feel anything. Nothing but...
He says he understands. Maybe he does, he's been through the whole clawing -out-of-the-grave-thing. But he's never been in...
The door. Again. More people. I remember I called them my friends. Slowly the puzzle becomes whole. But no. No more noise, no more questions. I just wanna be alone. I just wanna sleep, so maybe I can return to where I've been in my dreams before and for the last 147 days. Heaven. My dreams are the only thing left to me, now that I'm back - in hell.
The want me to be happy. They expect me to thank them for what they've done but how could I ever be? They ripped me out of heaven, sent me to hell and I have to thank them? I can't! At least my sister seems to understand. She tells them to leave me alone. Thanks.
I go upstairs, to my room. At least it's still my room. I stand in the darkness, trying to feel at home, I can't. Walking around, I look at the pictures standing everywhere.They seem so far away. And I don't feel a thing while I look at them, trying to remember why I should be happy. The memories flood my mind, what happened in this room....
Over there robot Ted attacked me. There's the trunk where I used to keep my weapons. I wonder if I will ever use them again. A picture of my mom. Mom. Where are you? Why did you let this happen? Would you've been able to stop them? Leave me where I was - happy?
I look at the window. It's still dark outside. I like the darkness. It suits me. I walk over and pull the curtains away. How many times did I stand here? Waiting for the darkness to settle, to sneak out. Or for him to sneak in. We kissed right here for the very first time, I remember. How many kissed followed, I don't know. Suddenly I feel something. Him. Happiness. I remember the happiness and completion with him, his kisses, his strong arms. Save. I lay down on the bed, not bothering to put off my clothes. All I long for is to feel again, like I felt in his arms. Complete. Home.
Falling asleep I'm back where I came from. Heaven. My private little heaven. Him.
He's there, waiting for me. He pulls me in his strong arms and holds me as I begin to sob.
"Shh...it's ok...", he whispers, his voice soothing me, but my sobs continue.
"I... I didn't want to leave..." I cry. And he understands. I didn't want to go. Leave him. Finally I had everything I ever wanted. We were together, day and night. Talking, walking, kissing, making love. Oh, I was happy. A part of me knew that my friends were save, so I didn't have to worry about them. All I had to take care of was him. Us. We shared everything, using every second to make up for the time we never had. I remembered the day that wasn't, the day when I felt like this before. Perfect happiness. Finally we were allowed to have it. Both of us. There was no curse in our world. Just us. Our love, our past, our present and our future. No more sorrow. Finally nothing could separate us.
He walks up behind me and encircles me with his strong arms, and I lean back. I turn around to look at him and he takes my face in his hands.
"What did they do to you?", he asks me, his voice full of worry.
"Shh...just kiss me...", I reply.
I know that we don't have forever anymore. Maybe we've just that last night. And he understands. He leans down and kisses me. Soft at first but soon we both need more. We try to take each other in so it can heal us, help us to go through whatever is on our way. We kiss for what seems like an eternity until he lifts me up, carrying me to our bedroom. Dozens of candles are lit there and his eyes sparkle as he lies down beside me, kissing me again. His hands wander over my body, memorizing me. He always does that, as if he was doing it the very first time. Maybe it's the last time. We start do undress each other, slowly, in silent worship until we're finally skin to skin again. I take in his body. His muscular back, his broad shoulders, his soft skin...
Our eyes lock and we know. We know that this is the last time we will be together like this for a long time. There is no place for a love like this in hell. We start to kiss again and as our bodies finally become one, we both cry. Tears of happiness, tears of despair. Its everything. Everything we ever were and everything we will ever be. I want to feel like this forever. Him. Creating the most peaceful and happiest place I've ever been.
"I love you...", I whisper, knowing that it's everything left to say. It's not enough and it's everything.
"I love you.", he echoes, as he pulls me closer and I understand.
"Angel, I don't wanna go."
"I know. But you have to."
"But what if IŽll never see you again? Not like this?"
"Baby, I promise, we'll have that again.", he says. How can he be so sure? As if he's heard my question he continues:
"I know it hurts. I feel it, too. But IŽll always be here for you. There, where you're going, and here."
All I can do is kiss him, as he slowly fades away.
As I wake up it's day. He's not here anymore. I can feel that he's save. That he's there, but not with me. I cry and this time he's not here to soothe me.
They tell me that I brought a demon with me. Everybody keeps telling me that they've pulled me out of hell, that they saved me. Can't they see that this is hell? We'll go find this thing, kill it, as we used to do, before... right now the easiest thing for me is to pretend they're right. That they really saved me. It gives me the as much of peace as I can get right now. Maybe IŽll forget it myself one day. But how can I? When every move I make is painful, everything's reminding me of my loss.
Research. Everybody's busy, but I don't move. I sit and listen to them half heartedly. They seem to do fine, why did they bring me back?
Angel, where are you?
Giles. I miss him. They seem hurt as I tell them. Think I'm asking for more and more and even more....But maybe he'd understand. Maybe I could tell him.
I can't bear to be around them anymore. I have to leave. For patrol, I tell them, but what I really fight hard is not to burst out and tell them. To punch them and scream in agony. Tell them what they took from me, where I've been, where I long to be.
I go out into the night. The darkness calms me down. As always it reminds me of him.
"Where are you?", I whisper. "Can't you feel I need you?"
No answer. I concentrate on the feel of him as I walk through the streets. Suddenly a slight reminder is tingling inside me, is it him? No, it's too weak. But it resembles him and so I follow it. Until I arrive at this crypt, where I remember who owns it. But I don't care for the moment. If it's the closest to him I can get it's good enough right now. As long as I don't have to talk it's fine. So long the slight feel of his presence soothes me. But not for long.
I have to go. I want to sleep. I wanna go back to heaven. Angel, where are you? Are you waiting for me? Will you hold me? Make the pain go away?
But the demon's waiting at my house. I fight the urge to give up, to get killed and go back to heaven. She's right, I don't belong here. But the slayer in me is too strong to give up so easily. Ok, IŽll fight then. Suddenly, a scream from the door. Dawn. I see her face and my broken heart breaks again - for her. I have to stay. For her. Be strong even if it's killing me slowly, day by day. She can't lose me again like I can't lose Angel again. I told him once that being strong means to fight. So IŽll fight. For her. For him. For me, us. And I win. Maybe we'll get our heaven back, some day.
Next day I pull my strength together. I thank them for bringing me back. I know they need to hear it. They wouldn't understand if IŽd tell them the truth, it would kill them. So IŽll rather let it kill me. It's hard to pretend, but IŽll learn. Right now I can only take a few minutes, so I have to go out. I wanna be alone.
But then again. I feel a bit of him, tingling inside me, before I spot his grandchilde sitting there. I don't care. He feels the closest to Angel I can get at the moment so I tell him. Tell him where I've been. It feels good, I pretend telling Angel and it helps me. I need someone to know, as long as I canŽt talk to him. Soon.
Soon my Angel, we will meet. What will it be like? I know we can't have heaven, but how close can we get? Will you hold me again? Listen to my cries, feel my pain and make it go away? Will you kiss me? Give me a tiny bit of heaven? Until then, every night, IŽll have my dreams. I know you're waiting.
The end.