Author:Lucey
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and others, I would never invent a character like Riley!
Rating: PG-13 I guess
Pairing: B/R implied but there is no special pairing in this one
Distribution: please ask me first
Synopsis: Somewhere in the 2nd half of Season 4, Buffy and Riley have a little talk about soulmates *g*
Note: this is mostly bashing I guess, but I had to write it! All lyrics are from Brandy
Dedication: To Netti because she needs therapy as much as I do, HBīs going down!, to Hannah and Chris, hold, there is no violence but you gonna love this *g* , to all the people hating Riley as much as I do, B+A forever, yeah! :o)
Feedback: oh please :o)
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It was late, she noticed. A usual patrol wouldnīt have taken so long. But she had to go inside. Duty called. Duty? She was meeting her boyfriend and was thinking about duty? But it was right, she had to admit. She was going to see her boyfriend when all she wanted to do was take a shower and then fall into badly needed sleep.
Buffy sighed and pushed to door open. The Bronze was crowded as usual on Friday nights. She pushed her way, trying to find him in the mixture of fog and laughing and dancing people. Where was he? She closed her eyes and sighed again.
"Buffy!", a voice came up from behind her.
Slowly she turned around.
"I was just wondering if you were coming at all.", he shouted on.
She forced a smile on her lips. "Of course Iīm coming but..."
He cut her off by pulling her into an embrace and pressing a kiss on her lips.
"You look tired. Iīll get you drink. Coffee?"
"Thatīll be nice.", she agreed, before he headed towards the bar.
Buffy sighed again, falling on one of the chairs. She leaned back and closed her eyes, listening to the music. But suddenly she tensed, as she recognized the song that she hadnīt heard for a long time. Because she couldnīt stand it.
/Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You canīt sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they donīt come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
Youīd do anything
To make them understand
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away
Youīd give anything, oh
To make them feel the same
Have you ever search for words
To get you in their heart
But you donīt know what to say
And you donīt know were to start
The memories started to enter her mind.
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You canīt sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they donīt come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Ooh
Have you ever find someone
You dreamt of all your life
Youīd just do about anything
To look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one
Youīve given your heart to
Only to find that one
Wonīt give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes
And dreamt that they were there
And all you can do is wait
For the day when they will care
Have you ever loved somebody
During the chorus she had to fight hard not to cry.
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
Cuz baby I canīt sleep/
"Youīre not going to sleep right here, baby?", a voice interrupted her.
She blinked the tears away and opened her eyes. "What?"
"I thought you were going to fall asleep.", he repeated.
"No, it was just that the song...", she tried to fight back her thoughts and focus on the guy in front of her. Her boyfriend.
"Slimy, huh?", he said. "Never mind..."
"Thanks", she managed to say, before she took the large cup from him, inhaling the scent, trying to clear her thoughts.
Ten minutes later she was still staring at her cup.
"So, what are you thinking about, baby?", Riley asked. She was staring at her cup all the time... "Heavy thoughts?"
"Itīs nothing.", she made a lame attempt. But even she had to admit, that it wasnīt convincing. But better than the truth, she thought.
"Is it about what Walsh said this morning?", he started again.
"What?", she sounded startled.
"I know you were not really participating, but if you remember, she was talking about special connections between people. That some persons believe, that they have a soulmate...", he ignored her visible discomfort.
"Of course I remember.", she whispered. But Riley Finn was definitely the last person she wanted to talk about soulmates with. And about where her thoughts had been the whole day.
"I know that the whole crap sounds ridiculous, so you don`t have to bother anymore.", he wanted to cheer her up.
"You think that itīs nonsense? You donīt believe it?", she asked shocked.
"Of course itīs nonsense! Donīt tell me you believe in this whole mess about loving soulmates, like two halves finding each other!", now he sounded shocked.
" I never heard anyone telling me that heīs found his "soulmate". Buffy, we live in the 90`s, nobody believes in soulmates and such stuff anymore."
"Nobody?", she whispered.
"No, because weīve passed the whole being pre-designed thing. We live in a modern society. People love, people break up. Every 2nd marriage is divorced, how can we believe in soulmates then?"
"I do", she said, a bit angry but also desperate.
"What?"
"Riley", she started. "Can I answer you a few questions?" Now she wanted to show him.
"Sure", he replied amused. "What questions?"
"Personal questions. But you just answer with yes or no. Ok?"
"Ok, make a start.", he was curious, because she suddenly seemed that determined.
"Have you ever loved someone?", she started.
"Of course I have, what...", he was puzzled.
"Shh, just yes and no. And Iīm not talking about going out with some girl, kissing and such things. Have you ever truly loved somebody?", she cut him off.
"I guess...",suddenly he was a bit frightened, where this conversation was going to end.
"Have you ever loved somebody so much, that it hurts, when you are not with him?", she went on.
"No."
"Have you ever loved somebody so much, that he was the only thing you could think of?"
"Well..."
"Yes or no?"
"No."
"Have you ever found someone who gave you the feeling that he was the only one you can feel save with?"
"No."
"Someone, who fits you perfectly?"
"No."
"Have you ever met someone youīve been torn to from the very second you first saw him?"
"No"
"Someone you canīt, even if you know it better, resist?"
"No. Buffy what is...", he started again.
"Please let me finish.", she replied, with flushed cheeks.
"Have you ever found someone you love more than your own life?"
"No."
"Someone, you love so much, that you fear his death more than your own?"
"No."
"Have you met somebody, who went to hell and back again because of you and still loves you?"
"No!", he sounded desperate.
She wasnīt going to cry right no, she repeated inside her head. She had started it and she would bring it to an end. She had to say this.
"Have you ever loved someone with all your heart but who loves you even more?", she started anew, trying to not get lost in the memories.
"No.", he had to admit again and again.
"Have you ever met someone who would risk everything just to keep you save?"
"No."
"Somebody you can trust more than anyone in the world?"
"No."
" Someone you would give your life for without hesitating just to save his?"
"No." Where was this going to end?
"Have you met someone you can sense when heīs around you without seeing him?"
"No." Was she going to cry?
"Have you found the one whose feelings you can feel, so that you are awash in his love and his pain hurts more than anything?"
"No." What was she talking about?
"Someone who has the power to hurt you as much as he loves you?"
"No. Buffy..."
"Shht."
"Have you ever loved somebody you had to kill for the sake of the world and came back and forgave you without hesitating?"
"Of course not!"
"Someone you miss so much, that you feel terribly lonely and empty without him?"
"No. Who..." She sighed heavily.
"Have you met the one who was "the one"? Your first and only lover?
"Youīre talking about Parker? Are you crazy?", he asked shocked.
"Iīm not talking about fucking Parker Abrahams. Iīm talking about love!", she spat at him angrily.
"So have you met the one?"
"No." Maybe it was better to let her finish, she seemed like she was out of mind. At the same time he felt puzzled because he couldnīt give a single positive answer.
"Have you ever met somebody who loved you so much that he lost his SOUL because of you? Because you gave him perfect happiness???"
Even the memory of the very moment made her sob.
"What??? No!"
"And have you ever met the one who loves you so much that he leaves you just to give you a better life, even if it kills him?"
"No."
"Have you met the one, and your love is so strong and still it can not be. But canīt forget him?"
"No."
"So, Iīm asking you again. Have you ever loved someone?"
"If you call this love, no." He had to admit that.
"Duh. Iīve met him. We shared all Iīve just asked you. And thatīs why I believe in what you call "nonsense". I lived it! Heīs my mate. Heīs my SOULmate!", she nearly cried out.
Riley stared at her in shock. What did she just say?
"And where is he?"
"He left me."
"So he doesnīt love you anymore", this came out a bit too triumphantly.
"He loves me. That`s why he left. And I miss him terribly. I feel like my world is going to end and I fail miserably while I try to forget him. I canīt live without him. I donīt want the life he wanted me to have."
"But Buffy..."
"When I think of him I feel like someone rips my guts out. Every inch of separation is too much. Not just for me, but also for him. I know it. I feel it. And if you still want to tell me that you donīt believe in soulmates...", she stopped and fought back a sob.
"I donīt know. This sound pretty big. Iīm sure you loved that guy but heīs not here. Youīre with me. And you said, that your love was doomed of some kind.", he didnīt know whether he should laugh hysterically, scream in rage or just cry. Who was this guy?
Tears were streaming down her face.
"Doomed? You have no idea what it means that you are not allowed to be with him. In the end I could barely touch him because we wanted each other so badly that we feared weīd lose control the very second we went too far. I miss him more that I can say. And whether you believe in soulmates or not, I canīt be with you anymore. I canīt fool myself anymore. Iīm sorry but I canīt. And you know what? Iīm going to get him back."
This had to be a bad dream, Riley thought.
" But nothing has changed between you!", he shouted at her.
"No.", she agreed. "But I donīt care. I know that we canīt have everything. But I know that I miss him. I love him more than anything. And I want him. Only him. And if I just noticed one thing, itīs that it hurts to be around him but not too close. But that everything is better than to be without him. I know that we will find a way. Even if I have to torture him to convince him."
"Wow. So you just tell me that youīre dumping me because you still love this guy. That you believe heīs youīre soulmate."
"Exactly.", she nodded confidently.
"But what if he doesnīt want you anymore? If he has somebody new?", he held out. Surely she hadnīt thought about this.
"You have no idea.", she giggled ironically. Suddenly she felt like sheīd lost a heavy burden. "And if you excuse me, Iīve to go. Iīve a reclamation to do."
And with these words she turned around, leaving the Bronze, heading towards her soulmate.
The end? Or do you want more?