Falling Into You

Author: Lucey

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them.

Rating: Mh, R-ish? Or is that already NC-17?

Pairing: B/A

Distribution: my lj, Denialhaven, the usual suspects. Others: ask, please!

Feedback: that'd be wonderful

Dedication: Happy Birthday, Hannahbee! *tackles and smooches you*

Note: AU, everyone's human.

Also: Angst-warning!!!

And the song I used lyrics from was sung by Celine Dion. I'm not sure I know it but I thought the lyrics were perfect for this (so I came up with the title and then started searching for a song *g*)

Also, this is not beta-ed so all the stupid mistakes are courtesy of me being too blind to see them.


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She shivered from the early morning cold. Or was still night? It didn't matter now, not anymore. She didn't exactly plan this, running around all night in her thin cotton shirt...hell; she didn't even like it that much. He had liked it that's why she had wanted to wear it tonight.

Thinking of him only brought tears to her eyes and she angrily wiped them away. And here she thought she'd be all cried out after hours, after weeks of crying.

Taking another sip from the bottle, she shivered, not used to the strong liquor burning her throat, making her stomach clench. She had already emptied half the bottle and yet she didn't feel warm. The cold she felt wasn't coming from outside but from within and there was nothing that could change that. Her empty stomach rebelled against the whiskey and she stopped for a while, pressing her hands against her abdomen, trying to calm down. She couldn't pass out now, not yet, she wasn't there yet, it was too soon...

Her breathing was ragged now; every step she took was exhausting long run. She started talking to herself again, repeating over and over that she needed to be strong now. She was almost there and then, finally, she could rest, she would be at peace.

Not a single car passed her on her stumbling journey through the streets and she was glad. It felt appropriate. Taking another sip from the bottle, she glanced up, the lights of the bridge ahead shining, luring her.


She paused in the middle of the bridge, leaning against the balustrade. Closing her eyes she considered what to do next. It was getting light now and a glance at her watch confirmed that it was about to be morning, 4:00...soon the streets would be crowded again and life would come back to the city. Leaning over the balustrade, she took a glance and shivered again...she could barely see the ground down below, another road sound asleep for now.

Was it time already?

She shook her head, realizing the absurdity of her thoughts. There wasn't a right time for what she was about to do. Or maybe, there was only a right time. Why the hell did she even care? There was nothing else in the life she cared about, not anymore, so why worry about timing? There wasn't exactly a protocol to follow here. There should be one. A guide of some kind. "Committing suicide in 10 steps", maybe. She took another big gulp from the bottle and clung to it while she climbed on top of the balustrade. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine what it would feel like...the fall...would it hurt?

Another gulp.

Wasn't life supposed to flash before the inner eye in moments like this? So how come she didn't see anything? Didn't feel...except for the cold nestled deep inside her body?

Now. She was going to do it now. End this pathetic life once and for all. The bottle in her hand was empty now and she let go of it, watching it fall and disappear with fascination.

Using her hands to steady herself, she stood, her back to the road and waited. Waited for the voice inside her head to tell her: "Now!", for her knees to buckle or another sign that it was really the right time. Maybe she should close her eyes?

Then, suddenly, a voice, out of nowhere, startling her - and yet not making her jump.

Slowly, she turned her head towards the voice, swaying with disorientation.

"Are you alright?" the voice came again and when her eyes had found the person belonging to the voice, her eyes fell onto the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

"Miss, can you hear me?" he didn't move, just looked at her.

"Did you just call me Miss?" she wondered, her words slurred.

"Please...you need to get down there."

She chuckled. Of course she needed to get down...she had been mere seconds from a speed-right to "down". She shook her head and he stepped a little closer.

"No." she finally managed to get out and he stopped immediately.

"Okay...I'll stay here. Just don't move either, okay?"

She stared at him, both curious and trying to focus. He was gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome. Apparently he had been running, he was dressed in only a wife beater, sweatpants and running shoes. For a moment they were silent and she wondered why she was still standing there. She had been about to jump and now that guy came along and was about to ruin everything. Well, if he tried to move, she could always make that final step into nothing but thin air.

"Please...come down there."

"No. Don't wanna."

"I'm sure, whatever it is...there is always another way."

"Oh really?" she snorted bitterly, regretting the loss of her bottle now. She could use another sip right now.


"Why don't you come down there and we'll talk about it?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Well, if it doesn't matter you might as well sit down, right?"

She looked at him, confused and before she knew it, she had turned around and was sitting down. He sighed with relief once she was a little more safe and took another step towards her.

"Should I call anyone for you?"

She just shook her head.

"What's your name?"

She remained silent.

"Talk to me, please! I want to help you."

"Yeah right."

"I mean it."

"That's what they all say and then..."

"Okay, what else do they say?"

"Doesn't matter. It's not important."

"It seemed pretty important to you a minute ago..."

"Just leave me alone." She was starting to get annoyed. What the hell was he thinking?

"Sorry, not an option..."


"Please, just leave me alone and let me do this. Don't pretend to care about me just fuck off."

"But what if I do care?"

"Why would you care? You don't even know me!"

"Then tell me about you...why are you so desperate that you see no other option but jump? Why does nothing matter?"

"It just does."

"Come on...just come down and give me...say, five minutes to talk. No, you'll talk and I'll listen."

"And what happens then? If I pass I get to jump?"

"No...just, please?"

She shook her head. No way she would let that happen. Like he would even care.

"Have you been drinking?"

She said yes before she could stop herself. "Why?"

"Maybe it'll be all better tomorrow. Do you really think it's wise to make that decision after a few drinks?"

"Maybe I didn't."

"Okay..." he took a deep breath, running his hands over his face as if he was trying to figure out what to do or say next.


Catch me, don't let me drop


She looked at him and the absurdity of the situation struck her. What the hell was she doing? Why the hell was she sitting here, talking to that stranger? It didn't matter, nothing would change and she had some business to finish. Without realizing it, she had started to cry again and this time she didn't try to stop the tears. He was still looking down on his shoes and she quickly got up again, stepping closer to the edge of the balustrade.

He looked up at her and there was something in his eyes that touched her very soul.

"What's your name?" she asked him, her voice hoarse from crying.

"Angel. And please...please come down there."

She just stared at him, taking in his answer. "Angel?"

He sent her a crooked smile, nodding. "Yes."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. I would show you my ID, but..." he gestured towards his sweatpants.

Through her tears she couldn't help but smile. So, right when she was about to commit suicide and end this damn life forever a beautiful guy would show up out of nowhere and on top of all this his name was Angel. Talk about irony, huh?

"Angel..."


They were silent for a second and then she moved, attempting to climb down the balustrade.

"Okay."

"Okay what?" he looked at her, tensing as she moved.

"Five minutes."

"Angel..." she once again repeated in wonderment.

He came closer the second she said it and offered her his hands to help her down.

She glanced down at him, at the hands reaching out for her and then she was staring deep into his dark brown eyes and then she was falling...


I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you


She was falling into these eyes that were so unlike anything she had seen before. Soulful, caring, sad and loving at the same time...she couldn't stop looking into these eyes while he lifted her from the balustrade and gently set her down. He didn't let go of her then, as if he was afraid that she would change her mind - and she clung to him like she was drowning, all the determination to jump had left her body and she suddenly felt very weak and tired.

"Hey." He finally broke the silence.

"Hey." She replied and closed her eyes, realizing that staring at a stranger wasn't that polite, even if he had just saved her life.

What? Where did that come from? He didn't...she was still...right?

"I'm glad you changed your mind." He lifted a hand to brush a stray of hair behind her ear and both the familiarity and the intimacy of the gesture struck her full force. Before she knew it she was sobbing, crying her heart out in the arms of a stranger and it felt good, so good to get it all out and just being held.

His hands were stroking her hair now, trying to soothe her and yet encouraging her to get it all out. He waited patiently until her sobs subsided and then he wiped the tears from her face with his thumb, for a second cradling her face in his hands and looking into her eyes again.


How long they had stood on that bridge she didn't know. All she knew that they were suddenly on the way to his apartment. She didn't remember explaining that she didn't want to go home or somewhere else and she was content to follow where he went. Once they had reached their destination, he had made her lie down on his sofa, telling her to rest. Sleep had come over her and the last thing she remembered was him covering her with a blanket and then everything went black.

When she woke up, it was dark and for a moment she didn't remember where she was. Her head was pounding and she looked around, panicking, until her eyes came to rest on a figure in a nearby armchair, sound asleep with an open book into his lap.

"Angel..." she murmured unconsciously and he jerked awake.

"Hey, you're awake."

She smiled shyly, embarrassed.

"How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts like hell..." she grimaced and he answered with a wry smile.

"Whiskey?"

She nodded.

He placed the book on a nearby table. "Just stay there, I'll be right back."

She settled back on the couch, inhaling the smell of leather and something else...him?


He came back with a glass of water and two pills. "Here, this should help with the headache."

"Thanks..." she swallowed the pills obediently.

He was now sitting on the edge of the couch and she shifted to make some room for him.

"I'm sorry..." she started. "I shouldn't...I didn't want to..."

"It's okay...."

"Buffy."

He smiled. "Buffy. It's okay. You needed someone to take care of you and I was there."

"But I shouldn't..."

"You should rest. Please, stay as long as you want."

"But I don't want to give you any more trouble. You've done enough, really."

"Please, I mean it. Stay. Unless you want to go somewhere else..."

She shook her head. This, here and now felt better than the last few months, hell the last few years of her life! But she couldn't dump herself on some stranger...at least not for much longer.

"Uhm..."

"What?" she raised her eyebrow.

"Please don't think...I..." he paused. "If you want to talk about what happened..."

She sighed. She'd really rather not. On the other hand...

"Only if you want to..." he hastily added. "I mean, I think it could be good for you."

She slowly sat up, contemplating where to start. As if he had read her thoughts he spoke up again: "You don't have to tell me everything. But I think if someone is desperate enough to jump from a bridge it's about time someone else listens to him...or her."

She started hesitantly, searching for words that didn't sound stupid. Oh god, this was so embarrassing, he was going to think she was a nutcase.

On the other hand...maybe she was.


Once she had started talking though, the words were flowing out of her mouth and she told him everything. How she had met Riley and how they had started going out even though his reputation hadn't been the best. How her mother had freaked out about him. She told him how she and Riley had had their ups and downs, that he had once cheated on her and that she had forgiven him. How he had been arrested the day she found out she was pregnant. After 2 weeks he had been free again but his excitement about the pregnancy had been very limited. He had lost his job and he had been drunk a lot. Her mother had kicked her out of the house and she had moved in with Riley, dropping out of college to earn some money while she still could. After two months she had discovered that he used the money for the baby to go to strip clubs and that he was cheating again. They had fought and after hours of yelling and a throbbing black eye he had broken down in tears, promising her that everything would change. He had changed for a while and she had been so happy, despite their financial trouble, hoping that they could make this work and be a family. Only that in the seventh month of her pregnancy the doctor had informed her that the baby, a boy, had died. Riley had blamed her and he hadn't been there when she came home from the hospital. After a week he had shown up again, once again promising that everything would change...only that after another two months he had started drinking again and just yesterday she had walked in on him screwing her best - and only - friend in their bed, telling her to get the hell out. How she had lost it then and had packed her bags to go home to her mother, only to find out that she had moved without leaving an address.


She talked and talked and Angel listened through all of it, nodding and handing her Kleenex when she had started to cry. He had said nothing, neither judging her nor stopping her rambling and when she was finished she didn't dare to look at him.

"So...what do you think of me now? Am I the biggest loser you've ever met or what?"

"Buffy...how old are you?"

"19."

"Buffy...you're 19 years old and you've had a pretty tough life. Nobody should be forced to live through this, nobody your age and nobody at any other age. I'm not saying this is nothing...but please, don't you ever think again that this is worth ending your life for! None of this is your fault..."

"Well, I can't really do anything about it either, can I?"

"There's always another way. It might not be easy but you have your whole life still ahead of you! If these people don't see how precious you are, you have to go and realize this yourself."

"Sure, I'm so precious."

"Of course you are. Look at you...you're young, you're beautiful and what I've seen so far is someone who has been hurt and who is lost...but only for now. You can be anything you want to be..."

"Except for a good daughter, a good mother or a girl that can keep her man."

"That's crazy and you know that."

"Is it?" she looked down.

He took her face in his hands again, forcing her to look at him. "Yes it is. You just need to see that again."

"It sounds so easy when you say it."

"I'm not saying it's easy. It's going to be hard work and you'll need help."

"I'm not good at asking for help."

"Then let me offer it. You can stay here as long as you want. Whenever you need to talk, I'm here. I'm going to help you with whatever needs to be done - if only you're happy again."

"You don't even know me."

"I want to get to know you. If you'll let me."

She sniffled, close to crying again. "First you tell me your name's Angel and now you've become some kind of saint..."

He smiled. "I'm not a saint. I just care about you."


I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground


After weeks of living at his place she still remembered that first night, the night she had poured her heart out and he had simply held her. Things between them had fallen into place like a long-practiced routine. During the first few days they had talked a lot, not only about her life, but his, too. His family, his friends, his work at the hospital and what music they liked. He had insisted on making her dinner every day, intending to nurse her back to health by putting some of the weight she'd lost back on her ribs. After a week he had called Riley and some movers had picked up her stuff and put it into Angel's garage. When she was on the way to her first appointment at her new therapist's she saw Riley walking by with what looked a lot like an impressive black eye.

Angel's apartment was one of the many his family owned and he gave her the guestroom despite her protests that she would find a place on her own. She still was home a lot. While she was going out with Riley she had stopped seeing her friends, except for Cordelia...but that was over now, too. So she cleaned the place, despite Angel's protests. At least she was paying him back somehow. Her therapy sessions twice a week were going well and she was already thinking about getting a job and maybe even going back to college next fall. And whenever she felt sad - Angel was there for her, talking to her. They started going to the movies or had dinner somewhere else and it was good for her to leave the house from time to time. He had offered to introduce her to some of his friends but she still didn't feel quiet ready for that.

Then, one morning a beautiful redhead had been at the door, introducing herself as Angel's friend Willow. They had coffee and Buffy had soon grown to like the girl barely older than herself. Now Willow would call from time to time and ask Buffy if she wanted to go shopping with her or just have coffee somewhere. On one of these meetings Buffy had then met Willow's girlfriend Tara and slowly, one by one she had met Angel's other friends, Wesley and Gunn, too.


Meeting Angel had changed her life. She felt like she was finally free to be the person she wanted to be. Life was good and sometimes easy. When it came to Angel on the other hand, life continued to become more and more complicated. The better she felt about herself, the more insecure she became when it came to living with Angel. The undeniable connection they had had from the very first moment had grown to an undeniable attraction, at least on Buffy's side. Living with him was great...and horrible at the same time. Every time he touched her, she got goose bumps. Every time he looked at her she blushed. Talking about it with Dr. Giles didn't help either. He only told her to confront Angel and tell him how she felt. But that could very well ruin everything. In one blink of an eye she could loose everything: her home, her friends and him.

Angel didn't seem to realize that, he was nice and polite. He still took her out and he still listened to whatever she had to say. But he never tried more...so Buffy remained in the dark and was slowly going crazy.


Love me, don't even stop


Then, after three months of living with him, Buffy decided to risk something. While Angel was at the hospital, she was going to make dinner. With Willow's help she had found a recipe that didn't sound too complicated and she had even bought a bottle of wine - something to toast with when she told him about her new job at the library.

She started cooking when she knew Angel's shift would end soon and in the beginning everything went as planned. But then she somehow managed to burn the chicken and while she was calling Willow for advice, the sauce was ruined, too. Close to tears she tried to fix dinner with Willow on the phone but nothing she did was helping her cause. It didn't help either that Willow suddenly called her on her crush so Buffy panicked even more while she was furiously trying to stir the sauce - without success.

By the time she heard Angel open the door, even the pasta was ruined and Buffy was crying. This wasn't what she had imagined. Damnit, why had she been so stupid, now she had ruined his kitchen and had made a fool of herself. She cursed, running around to clean up some of the mess when she heard Angel laugh behind her.

"Need some help there?"

She whirled around, tears in her eyes, both furious and devastated. The look on her face told him everything he needed to know and he stopped laughing. "I'm sorry..."


"Oh god, this is horrible. I can't even make pasta with chicken and some stupid sauce. I'll never learn how to cook and please, don't laugh..." she rambled on and he stepped closer.

"No more laughing." He said, his face serious. "And maybe we can do something about the cooking..."

"What do you mean, it's ruined!"

"I meant maybe, if you want to, I could show you how to cook. You seem...motivated."

"You're still making fun of me!"

"Never." He grinned despite his best efforts not to.

"This wasn't supposed to like this..." she sighed, realizing he was now standing directly in front of her. When he was reaching for her and his fingers touched her face she took a step back, startled.

"What are you doing?"

He pulled her closer again, wiping some tomato sauce from her face, carefully licking his fingers. Her eyes grew wider, watching him, almost shocked. Her eyes finally met his and when she saw the tenderness there, her knees threatened to give in.

"Mh..." he hummed, licking is lips. "Tastes good."

She still stared at him, torn between excitement and fear.

When he saw she didn't respond, he once again pulled her closer and tilted her head up, his still slightly damp finger caressing her chin. She was shaking now and unable to move until she felt his lips on hers, tenderly caressing hers before he moved away again.

Her eyes fluttered open and when she saw the longing in his eyes, she moved instinctively, closing the distance between them and crushing her lips on his. He let out a small sigh of relief before he deepened the kiss, his teeth nibbling at her bottom lip before slowly, his tongue came out to soothe the skin his teeth had teased. She mewled into his mouth, opening up, granting him access to her mouth, desperate for more of him. He accepted the invite all too willingly and soon their tongues were engaged in a desperate battle, licking and coaxing and teasing until they had to break apart for air.

"Wow..." he finally panted, pressing another kiss to her flushed lips.

She looked at him in utter amazement, unable to believe what happened.

He still held her close, watching her face for a reaction.

"Buffy?"

"That was..." she started, trailing off again, unable to put in words everything that was running through her head right now.

"Are you okay?" his voice sounded worried now.

A radiant smile crossed her face. "Yes, yes. I'm okay. Better than okay, that was...wow."

He kissed her again, this time languid, taking his time to memorize every inch of her sweet mouth. She was standing on her tiptoes now, trying to get closer to him, to crawl inside him and never leave the safety that was Angel again.


They ended up ordering Chinese that night, feeding each other from the various boxes, happily sipping the wine Buffy had bought, still unable to believe what was happening here and now.

Buffy finally declared herself stuffed and leaned back against the sofa, her legs stretched out on the floor.

"Are you happy?" Angel asked, putting down his glass.

"Yes." She smiled. "Why? Don't I look happy?"

"No, that's not it. I just don't want to rush things...force something on you you're not ready for."

"I am very happy right now." She crawled across the floor, into his lap. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing and nowhere else I'd rather be."

"Good. Me neither." He smiled, leaning down for another kiss, cradling her closer.


And in your eyes I see ribbons of colour
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say,"What's his is hers"


They took their time moving into their relationship. Angel was so careful not to put any pressure on Buffy that she often found herself growing frustrated because she felt ready for this. Her new job wasn't easy but she was having fun and she even went back to college to take some literature classes. Angel's friends, now her friends, too, were happy for them and her therapy sessions with Dr. Giles were reduced to once a week. Every now and then she would visit Angel at the hospital and they would have lunch together or make out in one of the supply closets when he was on a break.

After two months of official dating Buffy came home late from work one night and find the apartment decorated with candles. They had a delicious dinner before Angel carried her into the bedroom that was now theirs and laid her on the bed, peppering kisses all over her body while he started to undress her. Buffy thought she was going to die from the suspense and the teasing. Every touch of him set her on fire and she floated on a cloud of longing, longing for him to touch her again, to make love to her and erase every last, bad memory she'd had until now. With Angel she felt beautiful, even when he paid special attention to that scar covering her abdomen. With Angel she felt wanted for being herself and that alone.

She didn't have to prove anything, he loved her just the way she was.

Oh yes, he loved her. He told her every day, every touch, every smile and every kiss radiated with his love for her and when he was making love to her, she thought she was going to die from the sheer happiness of it. With him, everything was easy. Loving him was the best thing that ever happened to her and she made sure he knew that.


So close to your eyes and let me kiss you
And while you sleep I will miss you


They were dating for 6 months now and yet it felt like they had always been together. Slowly, they were starting to talk about the future, the life they were going to have. Buffy would finish college and maybe then, they would start a family. Buffy would be in her mid-twenties by then and Angel would be almost 30 years old. Maybe he would leave the hospital to open his own practice and they would move into a house, a house for their kids - three at least. Thinking about having a family made Buffy both happy and sad - she was thrilled about having all this with Angel, but she was scared, too. Too fresh the memories about her own family that had abandoned her or the one she could have had.

The happiness almost managed to chase away all the bad thoughts and even if she was sad, Angel was there for her. He had seen the best and the worst moments in her life, he was the one person she completely trusted and who would always be there for her. She just knew that this was good, what they had was good and nothing was going to take that away from her, ever.


Buffy woke up, already feeling Angel's eyes on her before she opened her own, and she smiled.

"Good morning..."

"Good morning, my love."

She slowly opened her eyes to look at him and her smile grew wider. He was there, a single red rose between his teeth, his eyes shining with happiness. She took the rose with a smile and leaned over to kiss him. He surprised her by moving so that he came to rest above her, giving him a better angle to kiss her and better access to her body already anticipating his touch.

Their kiss quickly became more passionate and their hands started to rid each other of unnecessary boundaries. Skin to skin, Angel ran his hands all over her body - every crook and curve now familiar to him. She loved how he always touched her like she was special; something incredibly precious and fascinating he couldn't believe was his. She loved how he always tried to see to her pleasure first, before his own and she loved taking him by surprise by reversing their roles from time to time. She loved the feel of his body against hers, his muscles rippling under touch and his soft skin teasing hers. She loved his voice, talking, mumbling, whispering while he made love to her and she loved how he filled her so exquisitely that sometimes she thought she was going to pass out from the sheer pleasure of it.

But this morning was special. He paid special attention to the sensitive spots of her body, his suckling on her neck would probably leave a hickey and his fingers were teasing her sensitive folds mercilessly until she was writhing and begging underneath him, pleading with him to take her, make her come and don't stop until she came again. He was glad to oblige and the pleasure was his as much as hers. They looked deep into each other's eyes while they were both close to the edge.

"Oh god, I love you..." he whispered against her ear, close to the edge.

"I love you, too, my Angel." She replied, drawing him closer for another kiss while her groan of release filled his mouth.

Spent, they laid tangled together on the bed, panting and exchanging kisses.

"Happy anniversary, my love..."

"Happy anniversary." She kissed him, his weight pressing down on her and in this moment she knew perfection. This was what she had wanted all her life and she wouldn't trade it for the world. This was heaven.


Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are


It was still early, the sun was just coming up and the world was still asleep when Angel crossed the street and went over to the balustrade of the bridge.

It had been exactly one year ago. One year since he had found her standing on the balustrade, ready to jump. One year since he had tried to save her life.

"Angel..." she had said, her voice full of sadness and wonderment, before she had let herself fall.

She had been gone before he had a chance to grab her, simply gone, his name the last words that had crossed her lips. She didn't scream as she fell.

He didn't even know her name.

Carefully he placed a single white rose there.

"I hope you're happy now, wherever you are..." he whispered, his eyes filling with tears for a woman he had dreamed of almost every night but never known.


The end

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