Disclaimer: the characters or lyrics I used are not mine
Rating: PG
Pairing: B/A
Feedback: yes, please!
Distribution: my site, Denial Haven, BA-Fluff, Sempiternal, FFnet...the usual suspects. Others, please ASK!
Note1: This was written for the B/A-ficathon, for Emily. Hope you'll like it! ( Requests (1 or 2): Cordelia and Buffy chatting, the Bronze. Restrictions (1 or 2): No sex, not AU (ie: set within BtVS or AtS at some point).
Note 2: the lyrics are from Black Lab and Sarah McLachlan Note 3: Thanks to Hannahbee for the quick beta!
Summary: set between BtVS Season 3 and 4. Buffy and Angel can't sleep, but what causes it? Might be a little angsty but if you know me, you know that it probably won't stay that way ;o)
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//It's always cold always day always here always say I'm alright I'll be okay if I can keep myself awake//
Sometimes she was sure they almost noticed. But the thought came and went away. How could they notice, being busy with their own lives, all the changes going on...and she was sure she did a good job hiding it, being used to hide her slayer-identity had been much harder after all.
The only one who'd notice it is not here.
Quickly she pushed that thought away, too, while she walked towards the Bronze.
Willow and Oz were already waiting for her, after all they were the ones who'd insisted she'd come. "You need to go out, Buffy.", "Time to go on.", "Make a happy face.". Phrases she heard every day, so often that they started to hurt. So she put on a smile, ordered a coffee and did everything to make them happy. They didn't need to know about her patrolling all night, almost begging for the vamps to rise and distract her. They didn't need to know that the coffee she was sipping was probably her twentieth cup today. And they sure as hell didn't need to know that she'd barely slept two hours straight each night in weeks.
"So, you remember our trip to campus tomorrow?", Willow chirped excitedly.
"Yeah, sure.", Buffy smiled at her friend's enthusiasm.
"Oh goody! I'm so excited and I really hope that..."
Buffy kept smiling and nodded at the right intervals but her thoughts were somewhere else again.
"Buffy?"
"Huh?" She felt caught.
"You alright?", Oz asked with his usual frown.
"Sure." Again with the fake smile. It was probably only a matter of time until the make- up covering the dark circles under her eyes would need another layer. Maybe it would crack, just like her smile.
"You were staring...", Willow started again.
"Oh, I was just thinking about where Xander might be right now. Heard anything from him lately?"
Her friends were only too glad to change the topic.
"Buffy? Have you been drinking all the coffee I made?"
"Uhm, yeah...", Buffy watched her mother carefully.
"You shouldn't drink so much coffee...".
"Mom, you know why..."
"Right. Slayer duties. But still, you'll never be able to sleep if you drink so much coffee...".
Buffy smiled and nodded, breaking into her usual habit. Sleep. Just the thought sounded heavenly. But she also knew that coffee wasn't the problem. The dark liquid was merely helping her live through the day. Because no matter how tired she was, she didn't find sleep.
They were already living together for two weeks when Willow started to realize that something was wrong with her friend. Slowly she investigated the matter and became more and more alarmed. Buffy wasn't sleeping. Of course she was trying to hide it, but Willow wasn't stupid. The blonde always came up with an excuse: she needed to study, see her mom, Giles, patrol, check out a party...but still. She was barely drinking anything caffeine-free during the day and Willow heard her toss and turn in her bed at night. She knew that a slayer's rhythm was difficult but this wasn't healthy.
Operation Buffy had begun.
Two weeks later Willow was ready to call it a defeat. She had checked Buffy´s routine and behavior, talked to the others, checked every spell she knew - nothing. It was like Buffy had given up on sleep at all. All that still remained was one question: why?
Cordelia shot him an incredulous look he barely noticed.
"What?", he huffed.
"Since when do vampires drink coffee?"
Probably since not sleeping even affected a vampire after all. "Cause they're tired?"
"Is something wrong?", the brunette asked, concerned.
"Dunno.", Angel buried his face inside his hands. "Haven't been sleeping much lately."
"Not much? How not-much?"
"One, maybe two hours a night."
"Angel, this is serious."
"Look, Cordelia. I appreciate your concern but could you just...leave me alone, please?"
Cordelia shrugged and Angel went into his own office again. One to two hours was an exaggeration. He barely slept at all since you left? , since he was running his own business, here, in LA. But his friends or co-workers didn't need to know that. They were busy with their own lives.
Cordelia picked up the phone and started to dial.
"Will? Could I use your computer? I need to do some research for psych...", Buffy sipped on her coffee.
"Sure. You know how everything works, right?
"Yeah."
"Ok, I´ll go get my spellbook from Oz´s. Be right back...".
"See you. And thanks."
"No prob."
Buffy switched on the computer, looking at the various programs starting, sipping on her coffee again. Suddenly she was startled by a funny sound and looked at the monitor.
Queen C: Hey there.
Willowitch: Hi.
Buffy had typed before she knew what she was doing.
Queen C: I've been monitoring his sleep, like you asked and I think you were right.
Willowitch: Who's sleep?
Now, this was getting interesting. And Buffy was sure Willow´d forgive her afterwards. After all it was just Cordelia.
Queen C: Duh. Angel's of course.
Buffy slammed the laptop shut, shocked. Cordelia had been monitoring Angel's sleep? How? Or more important: why? And where?
The door opened and Willow smiled at her.
"Hi! Had any luck?"
"Uhm, actually, no..."
"Oh, I'm sorry...look..."
"I didn't know you were chatting with Cordelia.", Buffy blurted out before she knew what she was doing.
"What...oh...", Willow glanced back to her laptop. "Look, I don't know what..."
"Don't.", Buffy raised a hand. "I don't wanna hear it."
"It's not what you think. I've been talking to her about you, yes. And...Buffy, I've watched you. You have a serious problem, we...", she stopped as she saw tears running down the slayer's cheeks. Quickly she took her into her arms and hugged her.
"Buffy, shh...what...".
"How...", Buffy sobbed. "How could you not tell me..."
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me where he was. God, Willow, you know how scared I was because of him. How could you not tell me where he is...".
"Oh Buffy, I'm sorry...", Willow pulled her towards the bed. "I´ll...I´ll tell you everything."
And she did. Everything she'd wanted to keep from her best friend poured out of her. About where Angel and Cordy were, what they were doing, about Willow's worry about Buffy. And it felt good to finally tell her.
"And, he's okay?", Buffy sniffled.
"Yes, he's okay.", willow assured her. "He's just not sleeping, just like you."
Buffy looked at her, puzzled. Then realization sunk in. Willow knew. They all knew. "I don't know what's happening to me...it's like something's keeping me from it...".
"I know. And we're gonna find out.", Willow smiled encouragingly. "I'm just gonna call Cordy and ask her what she's got."
"Okay.", Buffy leaned back into the pillows. LA. Angel was in LA. And he was ok.
Buffy had to admit that it felt good that she didn't need to hide her tiredness from her friends anymore. Of course she'd been wondering herself. Though, deep down, listening to her inner voice, she knew why she wasn't sleeping, not since Graduation, since Angel had left. Left her. Everyone expected her to be reasonable, to get over it. They respected that she needed some time, but no one of them knew how long it took her to even keep on breathing. Since he was gone her days passed in a blurry gray. Everybody else had someone. Willow had Oz, Xander had went on his trip and now he had Anya. Giles was in a relationship with Olivia. Buffy felt like an outsider. For the past three years she had been so focused on Angel that now that he was gone all that remained was a large hole. In her life as well as in her heart.
He didn't tell her where he went and that was probably the only thing that kept her from running to him. With him she'd always felt safe. He had been there to back her up on patrol, he had listened to her ramblings and he had held her. In his arms was the only place she'd ever been able to let go and totally rely on somebody else. And then he left her. Every thought had circled around him at first. Was he ok? What if he was in danger? After all, there had always been something or someone wanting them dead.
He came to her in her dreams. Dreams that were so real that she was almost choking with the harsh reality of his absence when she woke up. So she had started to sleep less and less, unable to deal with the loss of him every morning. In a way it was almost worse than the summer she ran away, because then she'd known that he was really gone and not just...somewhere.
And after Willow hung up the phone and approached her once again, she lost all her power to lie.
"Buffy, what's really going on?"
"I don't know, Will.", she sobbed. "I miss him so much, it hurts and...I can't take it anymore. I just can't..."
"Oh, Buffy...", Willow pulled her closer, trying to comfort her, a weak attempt to ease the guilt inside her.
"You miss her.", Cordelia stated.
"What?", Angel's head shot up.
"You miss her, Buffy. That's why you're not sleeping."
"Cordy, I..."
"Oh, stop it. We both know you're having Buffy-face all day. Just look in the mirror, which you actually can't, but trust me, Angel. I know the look. I know you're not sleeping cause you're afraid of dreaming."
Angel sighed. "Cordy, please..."
"If you miss her so much, go to her. You know where she is. You don't have to get down and dirty with her, but...!"
"Cordy, what makes you think she'd want to see me? It's not fair. I left to give her a normal life, I can't just go back."
"You're such an idiot...", Cordelia sighed in frustration. "I've been talking to Willow. Buffy is...well, horrible. She's barely sleeping, just like you. And it's only a matter of time 'til she'll break down."
Angel stared at her in shocked silence. Buffy, his golden Buffy was horrible? Not sleeping? She was supposed to enjoy college, walks in the sun with her friends...not kept in the darkness now that he was out of the picture. He didn't matter. Ok, the dreams he had of her were getting worse every time he dared to close his eyes. But as long as he had imagined her happy new life without him he could deal with everything. And now Cordelia was telling him that he missed her and it was true in every sense. He missed her so much it hurt every nerve inside him and only his last drops of remaining willpower kept him from driving the two hours to Sunnydale and see her.
"I miss her.", he finally admitted, Cordy still staring at him.
"Then go to her."
"No, it's not fair."
"God, Angel, don't you see it? You're both miserable without each other and as much as I hate to say this...maybe you two are not meant to be separated..."
His head shot up.
"Anyway, I'm gonna go see her. I'm going to Sunnydale and I really hope you'll come with me."
"I can't."
Cordelia let out a frustrated sigh and stomped off. Angel stared at her retreating form, wondering. He couldn't go. It wasn't fair. He'd promised himself not to be weak.
Buffy looked around, once again wondering why she'd let Willow talk her into going to the Bronze tonight. Especially since the redhead witch was nowhere to be seen. Ordering a coffee she slid down on one of the bar stools. Suddenly a person bumped into her from behind.
"Oh, Will, there you are...", Buffy started but stopped as soon as she faced the person staring back at her.
"Cordelia?"
"Buffy, hi!", before she knew it, Buffy had been pulled into a hug and then over to one of the tables.
"Cordelia, what..."
"Willow called me. She said you might want to talk to me about...you know."
Realization dawned on Buffy. Willow was so dead!
"Oh.", she managed to get out.
"Look, I know what you're going through, Willow told me. And I was really trying to get him here but..."
"He didn't want to." Angel didn't want to see her.
"Oh, no! He's just too stubborn to admit that he made a mistake. He missed you, trust me."
"He does?"
"Oh please! He's not been sleeping and is even more grumpy than usual for weeks."
"But he's...okay?"
"Oh, he's fine. I mean, besides the whole not-sleeping-thing. You know, he's being Angel."
With a soft smile on her lips Buffy remembered.
"Tell me 'bout your work?", the slayer, who rarely asked for something, pleaded.
Cordelia was only too happy to share. She had to admit, Willow wasn't lying. Buffy really looked horrible. And once she'd started asking questions she was unstoppable.
"Look, Buffy, I know you miss him. And he misses you. Why don't you come and..."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Cause he didn't come. Maybe he was right, maybe it's better this way. Don't you...what are you staring at?"
Cordelia didn't answer but just motioned for Buffy to turn around. Once the slayer did, her eyes widened in shock.
Angel's determination not to follow Cordelia had lasted for two hours. By then he'd started to pace the office like a caged tiger and Doyle had finally yelled at him to go. And he went, following his heart. There she was, still beautiful but somehow drained of her energy, staring at him open-mouthed, blinking as if she didn't believe her eyes, her fingers unconsciously flickering towards the mark on her neck. Their eyes locked for an eternity and he vaguely realized that he was walking towards her until their bodies were almost touching.
"Angel." His name from her lips like a breathy sigh.
"Buffy.", he echoed.
"You...you came.", he noticed the tears in her eyes.
"I...I couldn't...I wanted to be strong, but..."
"Shh...", she whispered, drinking in the sight of him. "I know."
They acted like on auto-pilot, walking out of the Bronze without thinking about their friends, leaving Cordelia at the table and willow and Oz in their hiding place. Outside they glanced at each other and Angel offered her his hand.
"Walk with me?", he asked. She nodded and slipped her tiny hand into his larger one.
When they arrived at the Summers` house their friends were waiting for them in the living room but they ignored them, walking straight upstairs.
"Oh great. Now we'll have to tear them apart before something nasty happens.", Xander groaned.
"Shut up.", Cordelia, Willow, Anya and Giles hissed at once.
Buffy looked at him once they were inside her room. They had talked a lot during their walk, slowly understanding each other again. Now they didn't know what to do.
"Uhm, lay down with me?", she pleaded, looking into his face.
"Buffy, I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"Please, just hold me...".
"Ok, but..."
"Angel, do you love me?"
"Of course I do...why..."
"Then nothing's going to happen. Please. I need to have one night of sleep feeling safe, knowing you'll be there when I wake up..."
How could he deny her what he longed for himself? They both shrugged out of their coats and undressed until she was wearing her shirt and the boxers she'd grabbed, matching his own outfit.
Buffy pulled back the covers and they slid inside, their bodies quickly readjusting to each other's presence. She looked up at him and he couldn't resist. He leaned down, kissing her full, soft lips with the tenderness he'd been aching for the whole night. She sighed and gave in, pulling him closer, nibbling at his lips, teasing them open with her tongue until they broke apart before things went out of hand.
He pressed a final kiss to her brow. "Sleep."
"And you'll be there when I wake up?"
"I promise."
With a happy sigh she sank into the covers, snuggling into his embrace.
"I love you.", she murmured sleepily.
"I love you, too.", he whispered.
His arms went around her waist automatically and without hesitation, sleep took them over.
Willow tiptoed down the hall and carefully opened the door. A huge smile spread across her face and the others followed her. They gathered at the door, watching the couple peacefully asleep in bed. Angel's hands were resting on her abdomen, covered by hers and his head rested naturally in the crook of her neck. They almost glowed with happiness and peacefulness.
"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.", Anya whispered.
"Who knew it was that simple.", Cordy grinned.
"They were lovesick. The only cure for that is love.", Willow closed the door, leaving the supernatural pair to their desperately needed rest.
//You're in the arms of an angel... May you find some comfort here.//
The end :o)