Alive

Author: Hannahbee

Angel didn't visit Buffy's grave. Instead he lived his life in complete denial. If necessary he'd do so forever. Oh, he knew she was dead, he could feel it. Because he couldn't feel her - except

//drink, drink me!//

that little part of her inside of him. Visiting her grave would mean he would accept her death. An experience he wasn't ready to face, yet. Probably would never be. Well, he had an eternity to find out. Brooding about one more thing wouldn't change anything.

Right now it looked as though he wouldn't let go of her ever. How could he when she was so deep inside of him - at least a part of her, the red, liquid life essence that had saved his life? Thinking about it she had probably sacrificed her blood in vain. Just as he had sacrificed her humanity one November morning almost two years ago. Damn, he had given his life and she'd only gained two years.

/Bad deal if you ask me./

It seemed to him that even as a human being he was not much worth. Only two years. Two years - they hadn't even spent together - and now she was dead. Maybe it was time to finally get a tan. But he mustn't suicide. Firstly, because he had not redeemed himself, yet

/Here we are on the guilt-trip again. Damn, sometimes that really sucks./

and secondly, he believed - thanks to his Catholic upbringing - that people who committed suicide would never go to heaven. And he was sure she'd gone there when she died. So no reuniting with her either way. He had to hold on although he wanted to follow her so badly.

//It would have killed everything in you.//

And it had. But

/I wouldn't be able to go on living/

he was still continuing.

//You're still here//

/Yeah, it just feels like I'm betraying her somehow./

He'd always considered himself as Buffy's soul mate, her counterpart. But now she was dead, why wasn't he? Why did losing her not kill him? Why didn't he die of loss? Of pain? Of grief? Why could he live without the other part of his soul? Was the blood

/her blood/

he carried inside himself enough to make him feel she was still there, although he knew damn well she wasn't? He was so confused.

//I lived, you just existed//

James had been right. He just existed. In constant denial.

/Is this a way of dealing?/

Images of her haunting his days and nights, his dreams and meditations. She reached him even in Sri Lanka. Funny that it didn't surprise him. He began to understand why she followed him everywhere. He truly carried her inside. Not just her blood.

/Losing Buffy didn't kill me/

How could it when he was happily reunited with her every time he meditated or dreamt? When it felt much more real than actual reality?

But there was more to it. Suddenly and very unexpected a new feeling had started to grow inside of him, similar to feeling Buffy, but not quite, just a little different. Whatever it was, it gave him hope, made him believe he'd meet her again. No, he knew he would. Someday. Until then

//fighting and trying to help people, that's not betraying her, it's honouring her//

he'd fight for her, he'd help people for her, he'd honour her. No matter how long. What was time to him anyway? He was a vampire! He was eternal. As long as he avoided sunbathing, stakes or beheading. He could wait, would wait forever to see her again.

//She's alive! Buffy's alive!//

He didn't expect someday to be so soon.

***

The phone rang and Buffy got up with a puzzled look in her face, but she didn't let them see.

"Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here." She headed for the kitchen, saying: "I'll be back."

When she returned she walked quickly and purposefully towards the front door. But not quickly enough.

"Buffy, what is it?" Giles stopped her.

/Damn!/

She turned around to face him and her

/not my real/

sister and paused before she spoke: "Angel."

"Is he in trouble?"

"He knows that I'm ... " She trailed off.

/What? Alive? Surely not. Not when he's not here./

"He, he needs to see me. I have to see him."

/So badly./

"Yes, of course." Giles agreed. "You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow."

/Too far, too long, too late./

Buffy shook her head. "Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a..."

/They mustn't know./

"A place."

"I see. Well, we should get all these... bills and things out of the way before..."

But Buffy interrupted him. "I gotta go now." She started to leave, then paused and turned back again. "Uhm, thanks for taking care of this for me." And with that she was out of the door and in her

/mother's/

car, driving to

/somewhere in the middle. There's a... a place/

where she would meet *him*.

Would she find her answers there? Because she was still confused about being *here*. What did here mean anyway? She didn't know. They kept telling her she was back, she was home. Why didn't it feel like it? She was loved. True, but it wasn't the shaking-you-to-the-depths-of-your-soul love she'd felt wherever she'd been.

/Heaven?/

It had certainly felt like that. But here - whatever hell it was - she wasn't warm, she wasn't complete, and she felt like she hadn't been for a long time.

/Everybody I know lives here./

Everybody but Angel who hadn't been by her side for much too long. But she didn't tell them that.

/No need to make them suspicious./

Oh gods, she missed him so much. Although a part of him was still with her, hidden from her family of friends, hidden deep down to call on him - or rather the memories - in lonely nights and weep.

//Buffy//

She still couldn't believe she'd heard his voice, still couldn't believe it had really been him because...

/Yeah, Buffy, why?/

She knew the answer was buried inside her somewhere. She just needed to remember. Ironic that lately her memory just didn't want to work properly. There was still so much missing since she'd risen.

/Vampires rise, humans are born./

She always needed a trigger - a name, a face, a word, a special scene - and then the information would just pop up in her head. Maybe she was like that Buffy-bot? Stuffed with information and acting on programmed commands, not feeling anything?

No, that was not entirely true. Angel made her feel.

Everything.

/Angel./

She smiled a sad smile.

/Heaven./

Was there a connection? She still couldn't remember clearly what had happened before they brought her into this nightmare they called real life. It didn't feel real at all. She didn't feel anything but agony, hatred towards them for doing this to her

/and they call themselves friends!/

and guilty for feeling this way. God, why couldn't they just leave her alone? What did they want from her anyway?

//You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow//

/Why the next day?/

//We should get all these... bills and things out of the way before...//

/They didn't want me to leave./

Did they mistrust her? Did they hide something? Were they really her friends? Not just some shape shifters?

/No, they only exist on X-Files, don't they?/

But werewolves, vampires, monsters and ghosts were real.

/The truth is out there.../

She snickered.

/Somewhere./

What did they want from her? Kill her once and for all? Body, mind and soul? She needed to be more careful around them.

//You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.//

What goals did they pursue?

//We should get all these... bills and things out of the way before...//

/They didn't want to let me go. Ever. Why?/

Then she remembered. It had been like that for eons where Angel and she were concerned. She understood that now and it hurt. Would they ever change? Would they always deny the bond she shared with Angel? Would they hinder their relationship she wanted to start anew again?

/Bad thoughts, Buffy, really bad thoughts./

What had happened in heaven that made her feel like hell, so lost and incomplete?

/Angel./

Was he the key?

/Or is it angels? With wings? Not my Angel?/

She was so confused, she could barely stand it. But she couldn't tell them. They wouldn't understand and it was - they were - tearing her apart slowly. And Angel was the only one who could give her comfort, who could soothe her pain, who could help her, make her understand. He had survived hell and she needed him to survive this.

/Soon, Buffy. Soon, you'll be with him./

***

His journey from LA to this place had been a trip down memory lane and now that he could feel her

/it had been her all along/

getting closer

/she was dead, she'll be here/

his thoughts returned to the present, but were still with Buffy.

/It's really her./

He was glad he knew of this place half way between LA and Sunnydale. A haunted house - or so many believed - in ruins, surrounded by some trees, many bushes and wild flowers. It was rarely visited,

/not even by ghosts/

quiet, peaceful and the part he loved best: they wouldn't be disturbed. Not by her family and certainly not by his. Looking around he saw a fireplace and smiled. It was almost perfect: the moon, stars and a fire out there in the open. It only lacked Buffy to complete it.

He smiled even more. She'd returned.

/To me?/

He'd see her again. His heart would - still not beat again but - be again.

****

She stopped the car and looked out of the windshield, shaking in anticipation. There he stood, leaning against his black convertible, gazing at her. The light of the fire was dancing across his handsome features as she exited the car, drinking in his presence. Damn, he was gorgeous. No, beautiful, sexy...

/Stop, drooling, Buffy!/

But, God help her, he was so... Angel. She wanted to ravage him right there and then. This would be heaven. At least her definition of heaven: to take him again and again, to let him take her again and again. To find the comfort she so desperately needed, but could only find in him.

Thinking about it she finally understood where she'd been, what heaven had tasted like: Angel. It had always been him, it would always be him.

But she knew it couldn't be. She couldn't have Angel. Not anymore. Her friends had made sure of that, or rather they'd done nothing to help.

And now that real life came crashing down on her

/the curse!/

she hated them even more for bringing her back. It was beyond bearable. They had taken all her happiness!

/Again./

It hurt so badly, she could hardly stand the pain. Surely, this was nothing but torture. She wanted him. Desperately. Then, now and forever.

Just as he did. She could see it in his eyes as she stepped closer.

She reached out timidly, believing the moment she touched him, he'd turn into nothingness. "Angel?"

He took her hand, crushed her into his embrace and kissed her hungrily, begging her sweet lips to open, her tongue to engage in passionate play. And she did. Just as hungrily.

Oh God, he could feel her, touch her and taste her. The fire was burning in her veins, her heart beating like crazy, her breath out of control, her moans desperate sounding like a woman starved for her lovers touch.

Then realization hit. This was real. Now he knew for certain he was not just existing, he was living because she was. He broke the kiss and fell on his knees, cradling her close, crying into her chest like he did after his return from hell - the return of his sanity.

Alive. Finally. Her as well as him.

She cried along with him, hugging him even closer, stroking his hair, whispering sweet nonsense to calm this broken figure before her and herself. She held heaven in her arms. An Angel.

Suddenly he looked up into her eyes, worried. "You're... you're... different." He managed to say between sobs that still rocked his body.

She frowned in her typical what-do-you-mean-fashion.

"You're not completely pure anymore."

She laughed and wiped her tears away. "I haven't been for a long time, Angel. Remember my 17th birthday?"

He had stopped sobbing, but still looked worried and serious.

"That happened, right?" She asked panicked, thinking that too was just a part of her life in heaven.

He smiled gently. "Yeah, it did. But that's not what I meant. Even when I saw you last time... at your mother's grave... you were still pure."

She frowned even more.

"Oh God, what did they do to you?" He leaped to his feet horrified, anger storming through his dark eyes.

"I was... they... they did it out of love... they thought I was in hell..." New tears formed in her eyes.

"But you were not there." He said softly and took her into his embrace again.

"No, I... I was... they ripped me out of heaven!" She sobbed.

"Oh, Buffy." He hugged her even closer, stroking her back in slow moves to soothe her, to make it easier for her to talk about it.

"How could they?"

/Yeah, how could they? Had it ever crossed their minds that a pure creature like Buffy would never end up in hell, no matter what?!/

"I was in heaven!"

He was so angry, he wanted to tear all her friends apart. Rather now than later. But Buffy needed his comfort. Now. And she would get it. He had already inflicted enough pain upon her heart.

"I was with you. No curse, no monsters, no slayer, no vampire, just you and me. We were complete."

Now it suddenly made sense, he had not just meditated or dreamt about her. He had been with her!

"I know." He whispered.

"Now... now that I'm back, I'm so confused. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know how to feel. All I know is I need you, no matter where I am."

"I'm here, my love. Everything will be alright." He kissed her head tenderly.

"You were really there with me. I don't understand."

"Shh, I'm here now, beloved."

"You are here now. Why are you here? Why didn't you stay in heaven?"

"I love you."

"I thought they took me from you... again."

He took her face into his hands and made her look at him. "I'm here, Buffy. You are my heaven." He assured, sealing his promise with a gentle kiss.

She responded in kind and then deepened it. Her arms sneaked around his neck, drawing him closer to her body.

/Yes, this is heaven./

Soon their kisses were spinning out of control and Buffy needed to breathe. Reluctantly, Angel let go of her lips and trailed kisses down her neck, deliberately avoiding the scar while bathing in the rhythm of her moans. She clung to him on shaky legs, baring her throat, begging him to touch his mark, to claim her as his again.

Who was he to deny her? His mouth closed around the scar and he began to suck lightly. His hands roamed over her body and underneath her shirt, reacquainting themselves with once familiar territory. She was a little bit thinner, but still soft and incredibly strong underneath his fingers. And oh so warm. Intoxicating, just like the smell of her arousal, oh so heavy in the air.

He sucked harder on the mark and she arched further into his touch, moaning his name like no one else could: a caress that drove him insane. Again and again.

Her sighs and moans, the smell of her and the feel of her sent his senses into overload. He needed more, wanted to drown in her, get lost in her, become one with her. So he pinned her between his body and his car, not sure if she could stand on her own, and let her feel just what she did to him.

"Angel...if you... don't stop now... I won't be able... to stop later." She warned him between moans.

"Shh, let me make it better."

"Angel! The curse!"

"Not an issue anymore." He mumbled between kisses.

"What??? How???"

It was so damn hard to think straight when she was obviously so needy and he wanted nothing else than to bare her to his gaze and touch her, taste her and then take her. After all he was just a man.

"Angel?"

"Huh?"

"No curse? How?" She had to be sure there were no loopholes left.

"Oh yeah... epiphany... while... in Pylea." She managed to understand while he was still showering her with kisses.

/Pylea?/

/Whatever!/

"Another one?"

He grinned against her flesh. "Yep."

She smiled in response. "Tell me. I need to understand."

He reluctantly let her go and arranged her clothes so he could talk without getting distracted. At least not that much.

"The demon is inside me. That means I can control him. And I did it. I don't need to kill."

"I always told you, you are not the demon." She frowned. "But...but on my birthday you... how?

"I am so sorry for what I did to you then. I am so sorry."

"Angel, it wasn't you who did those things. It was the demon." She lovingly stroked his cheek.

He shook his head. "No, you don't understand."

"What do you mean?"

"I could have controlled it all the time. But I didn't. I was so weak. And I was afraid of myself. I didn't believe in me. I am so sorry."

"Angel, you didn't know. It's not your fault. You didn't have the strength then."

"But..."

She silenced him with her finger on his lips. "No buts, Angel. It's in the past. We're in the now. That's all that matters." She paused. "Make love to me?"

They kissed, touched, undressed, and devoured each other's whole bodies with kisses and strokes in complete devotion. Both crying out in rapture when he finally sank into her depths, making them one, whole and complete again.

***

Lying on her back, looking at the stars and her very own Angel holding her hand, she began to giggle. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

"What is it, my love?"

"I've never done it on the hood of a car." She confessed and finally looked at him.

"Me neither." He grinned.

"So this is really your first time?" She continued their little game.

He grinned even more. "Yeah..." He stopped joking when he saw her eyes widen.

Buffy felt a glowing sensation spreading through her, turning into warmth on its journey before it concentrated itself in her womb.

/No, not possible/

She pushed his shirt, she had snuggled in after their love-making, aside and lay her hand on her belly.

"Buffy?" He asked worried and turned onto his side.

But she just smiled. "I... I..." She took his free hand and laid it on her stomach, right there where her palm had rested before. "Can you feel her?"

Now it was his turn to widen his eyes in surprise. "I... this is... how? I mean... wow!" He babbled.

"This is amazing, isn't it?"

"I never thought this could be possible. I am so happy."

"Perfectly happy?"

"Yes, I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Does this mean we finally get a happily ever after?" He asked cautiously.

"It's about damn time!"

END

Corny, I know. But I figured, if Angel can get Darla pregnant (and she is DEAD!), why not Buffy, too? And with all the A/C-ness happening lately, can you really blame me?

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